I ate Beyonce, but it was an honest mistake

Mixing hors d'oeuvres with haute couture is not something one would ever have imagined becoming popular culture and yet, certainly at the Grammy's it's definitely the 'In Thing'.

Shakira wore a skirt made of bananas. Katy Perry's bustier was no more than two giant cupcakes precariously placed to avoid any 'wardrobe malfunctions', and who can forget Lady Gaga's Cavalli Carpaccio? A dress made entirely from raw meat. With shoes and a purse to match. How darling.

To be fair though it was probably a less than pleasant experience having to be seated next to Gaga as she watched the show and waited for her next accolade. I mean essentially she's covered herself in rotting meat. It may have been fresh when she put it on.. but those rooms can get stuffy pretty quick. And all the stage lights can feel like tiny little suns baking your skin. I'm just saying… when meats been out for a while..there's a reason the butcher cuts it up, covers it in soy sauce and sells it to you at half price.

This whole food as fashion fad may have started in the 40’s with the amazing Carmen Miranda. She frequently wore an abundant looking fruit bowl on her head and managed to sing and dance her way to the becoming the highest paid female in The States at the time. Perhaps this is the appeal? Wearing food somehow contributes to ones success.

The possibility that something so simple could assist with my ability to earn loads of mula would usually have me jumping straight on the bandwagon. But the truth is I love food far too much to turn it into hot pants. Infact, I think the whole practise is rather dangerous.

I've experience awards shows. Guests are herded into a painfully hot auditorium and the doors are locked behind them. The lighting is dim. Sure the alcohol is flowing but food is seldom provided. It starts to get boring.. People start getting HANGRY (anger brought on by extreme hunger) With no food, too much booze and minimum lighting the scene is set. All it would take is for Beyonce to show up in a dress made of chocolate éclairs and …it's all over red rover.

So do me a favour and hopefully we can get the message through in time for next years Grammy's:
If you want to wear earrings shaped like cherries, go right ahead.
If you want a perfume that makes you smell like lemon meringue.. That sounds divine.
But if you cover yourself in caramel sauce and expect people not to lick you.. Well you've got another thing coming.

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