Joe Cotton's Oscar predictions

Don't get me wrong. I'm still interested. I will definitely be glued to the Red Carpet coverage feeling envious of the beautiful ball gowns.

Wincing at the zany types who show up in something hideous to make the point that they're an actress NOT a model. (I love you Helena Bonham Carter but …you look like a Hobo). I just feel as though this year the winners are too easy to call.

Yeeees.. Natalie Portman will get best actress.
Colin Firth's a shoe in for the King's Speech.
Christian Bale's giant ego will be stroked when he wins for best supporting in The Fighter.
I could go on but — where's the fun in it?

I mean you can hardly call yourself a psychic when the choices are so obvious. So, this week I intend to look into my crystal ball to find out some non Oscar related info.

It's a trick I learned from ….(ahuuum).."respected".. magazines like 'News of the World' and 'The National Enquirer' who do it all the time to fill up their pages. And believe it or not this is a fun game that anyone can have a crack at.

The gist is simply to make up a bunch of ridiculous scenarios, pick some random celebs to attach them to.. and then start telling people that you are certain these things will happen in the near future.

Also you might want to write down your ideas so that in the event that one of your predictions comes true, you can gloat to everyone. Fun right?

I've been working on this list for a few weeks and boy are there some doozies in here! So get ready for: 'Joe's Celebrity Predictions 2011'

BREAK UPS

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt — Jennifer Aniston will get excited thinking that Brad will come back to her. He won't. He will get together with Sandra Bullock.

Katy Perry and Russell Brand. Did you really expect it to last?

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes — Katie will disappear. Tom's PR people will say that she has run off with a camera man. In actuality Tom will have eaten her as a way of stealing her soul and increasing his power. That's what scientologists do. Look it up.

HOOK UPS

Scarlett Johansson and Kanye West — Scarlett has recently been dating Sean Penn which goes to prove that she likes arrogant temperamental dudes.

Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis. Definitely.

BIRTHS

Britney Spears will get pregnant. She will have twin girls.

Victoria Beckham will also have a girl. But.. It will turn out that she used a surrogate and we will all realise that we never did see a picture of Posh looking pregnant.

Jennifer Aniston will adopt a child as a way of luring Brad Pitt back. It won't work.

OTHER

Lindsay Lohanwill go to jail. Miley Cyrus will go to rehab. Justin Bieber will go away and never come back. (I can dream cant I?)

And finally…. ABBA will reform to play at the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton.

BOOM!

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